


Episode I: The Phantom Cheese

by mrv3000



Series: The Dark and Stormies [3]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Crack, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-04-12
Updated: 2003-04-12
Packaged: 2017-10-19 19:05:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/204227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrv3000/pseuds/mrv3000
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A prequel to "The Dark and Stormy..." series.  A prequel that comes after.  You know, like Star Wars, except there are no Jar-Jars here.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Episode I: The Phantom Cheese

**Author's Note:**

> Co-written with josephides. Thanks to Emry and Melly for betaing! Full of fannish in-jokes.

As Sam stepped out of the shower, she pondered just which towel to use - the full sized one that Daniel had lent her, or the really tiny, miniscule towel that she usually used as a hand towel.

Decisions, decisions.

In the end, since it _was_ the women's locker room and there was no _way_ anyone embarrassing would walk in; she decided to go for the tiny towel.

She'd just dried one elbow, when the most embarrassing thing happened.

Colonel O'Neill walked in.

D'OH!

"Shit!" Jack hissed, keeping up the pretense that he didn't know it was the women's locker room or that his 2IC was in there, even though the $50 he just gave to an airman told him otherwise.

Unfortunately, Jack's little plan didn't involve a bar of soap on the floor. "Shit!" he yelled in earnest as he slipped, crashing to the floor.

"Shit!" Sam yelled herself as she scrambled towards her CO, not having time for either of the towels. Looks like she was going to have to give mouth-to-mouth....

*

Daniel and Teal'c, walking along the corridor discussing... something archaeology related... paused.

Teal'c looked at Daniel.

Daniel looked at Teal'c.

"DanielJackson... I believe now we must go to the women's locker room and interrupt what could potentially be a romantic moment between Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter."

Daniel blinked. "You mean... we should go and butt in before they get it on?"

"That's exactly what I mean, DanielJackson."

"Just checking."

*

Sam apparently needed to brush up on her CPR. She didn't _think_ the victim was supposed to be moving his mouth. Or holding the back of her head with his hand. But...she wasn't sure. It had been a while since she had taken the class.

This was really, really hot though. She should have offered to give CPR to her CO a _long_ time ago.

Suddenly the door burst open in a show of amazing and frustrating timing.

"Shit!" Jack and Sam yelled, Sam wishing for the first time since her CO had walked in the door that she actually had some clothes on.

Daniel, eyeing the scene before him, turned to Teal'c. "You owe me fifty bucks."

"No, DanielJackson, you owe _me_ fifty bucks," Teal'c replied.

Daniel put his hands on his hips. "How do you figure that out, then? I said they'd get together before the 25th of March."

"And I said they would 'get together' on base."

"But then _I_ said it would probably be in the women's locker room."

"That is true, but I must point out that it was I who...."

Suddenly, Janet burst through the door, panting. "Hi guys!" she said.

"Janet, what are you doing here?" Daniel asked, frowning down and down and down at her.

Janet looked up and up and up at him. "Um... I'm not supposed to be here?" she asked.

"No. You're not in this scene."

Janet blinked. "Oh. Right," she said, glancing at Nekkid!Sam and Colonel O'Neill. She raised her eyebrows at them. "Teal'c, you owe me fifty bucks."

"DoctorFraiser, I do not owe you fifty bucks!"

Sam sighed and tried to stand up. Which was hard considering the tight grip her CO had on her arm. She was beginning to suspect that he wasn't really unconscious after all. That, and he did yell "shit!" just now. He was still lying on the floor though, his eyes closed and his lips puckered. But she could swear he kept peeking at her through his eyelashes.

She really wished she had some clothes. She was starting to get cold.

That was it. The Colonel had plenty of color in his cheeks (quite a bit actually) - he was going to be fine. She wrestled her arm away and went and grabbed her blue BDUs. Instinctively she looked back at her CO. Hmm. Green. She quickly put the blue back and grabbed the correct color.

Jack mentally sighed. At least, he really hoped he sighed mentally, but it was entirely possible - given the level of frustration he was experiencing - that he might have sighed out loud.

Carter had gone and got changed elsewhere. No more Nekkid!Carter and definitely no more kissing.

He sat up and glared at Teal'c, Daniel and the Doc.

Doc Fraiser cleared her throat. She gave Teal'c a stern look, "We'll discuss the money later."

"We shall indeed," Teal'c said, swallowing slightly. He was just a little afraid of Doc Fraiser.

Janet gave Jack one last fulminating look, and left. Teal'c decided it was probably best if he left too. To visit... his son. On Chulak. Yeah.

"Jack?" Daniel said.

"What?"

"What were you doing in the women's locker room in the first place?"

Jack cleared his throat, nervously, and stood up. "I was... checking... someone had said the women's lockers were nicer than the men's. I wanted to make sure that it was an... unsubstantiated rumor."

Daniel blinked some more. He looked around. "Well, they do have that built in widescreen plasma TV," he pointed out, in the interest of helping Jack with his enquiry. "And a couple of couches. A popcorn maker. And, cool, the whole of FRIENDS on DVD. Don't you just hate Ross?"

"I don't watch FRIENDS. But, yeah, I do hate Ross. We'd better get out of here before Carter realizes I wasn't unconscious."

"You weren't unconscious?"

Jack shoved Danny out of the room.

Jack and Daniel walked down the hallway, Jack occasionally flicking rubber bands from his pocket at Daniel. Just for the hell of it.

Ahead of them the elevator doors slid open.

Both Jack and Daniel froze, thinking the exact same thought at the exact same time.

Damn!

Out of the elevator stepped forth the most beautiful woman placed on God's green creation. Her long, blond hair shimmered even under the florescent lights, which made her violet eyes sparkle. Her clothes fit her perfectly and looked fantastic on her; although she could have been wearing a burlap bag and she still would have looked fabulous.

She walked towards them; her step so light that it appeared her feet never touched the ground. She gave them both a charming smile.

Jack and Daniel gulped in unison.

"Hi. My name's Jojo Michelle."

*

Sam wandered out of the women's locker room and followed the trail of elastic bands that were littering the ground. Hmm. Looked like the Colonel and Daniel had come this way, she thought, scooping up a couple and pocketing them.

She turned a corner and her mouth dropped open.

Holy Hannah!

"Hubba hubba!" Janet exclaimed, conveniently rounding the corner the moment she sensed something good was about to happen.

Sam dragged her eyes away from the vision talking to the Colonel and Daniel and saw that Janet, too, had her mouth open.

"You know, if she wasn't obviously a really nice person, generous, kind, intelligent, good with children and a marvelous cook," Janet said, "I would be really jealous of her."

"Yeah. She looks like the type who... realizes that certain men are unavailable, doesn't she?"

"Oh yeah. Of course."

Janet and Sam narrowed their eyes.

"Still... it wouldn't do to... be too lax around her, would it?" Janet suggested.

"No, no, certainly not. I wonder what conditioner she uses..."

Jojo Michelle spotted the two women standing a little ways down the hallway. She could tell by the looks on their faces that clearly the two men in front of her were taken. Oh, secretly taken, but taken just the same. She had the feeling that she and the two women would become lifelong friends, so she had to put their minds at ease.

"Excuse me boys," she beamed at Jack and Daniel.

They grinned stupidly at her.

Janet eyed Jojo Michelle coming towards them and fingered her needle. She _looked_ like she could become one of her best friends, spending countless hours with her and Sam, drinking wine and talking about men, but one couldn't be too careful.

Sam looked down and down at Janet. Then even down further to Janet's hand fingering the needle. "Jan," she whispered. "Let's see what she has to say first."

Janet nodded.

Jojo Michelle glided elegantly to them. "Hi. My name's Jojo Michelle."

Sam and Janet grinned at each other. How could they have ever thought anything but good things?

"So, what time should we get together for girls night tonight?" Janet began.

They quickly all agreed on seven and began to discuss what they would wear. Just about the time Sam was going to ask about Jojo Michelle's conditioner, the klaxons sounded.

"Aw crap," Sam muttered, unhappy with cutting short girl time with one of her new best friends. "It's always something."

"Should I come too?" Jojo Michelle asked. She knew she would be able to help, but didn't want to step on any toes.

Sam breathed a sigh of relief. She didn't want to have to beg. "Oh yes! Thank you! I have a feeling there's going to be a problem that only you can take care of."

*

In the control room, Jojo Michelle and Sam were leaning over the computer keyboards, typing in stuff really, really fast with their nimble long fingers. Both were oblivious to the audience of men that had mysteriously migrated to the control room to watch, with awe, as they worked their brainy goodness on the Stargate systems.

"Major Carter... Major... Van'Eng-Bosslish," Hammond said, recalling (faintly) some kind of transfer for the supremely talented Jojo Michelle from some other base in the US to the SGC, "just what exactly are you doing?"

"Well, sir," Jojo Michelle began, her eyes on the screen and typing away - she could multitask like nobody's business, "basically the sub-parli light beam accelerator light bulbs and photon micro-busters highlighter maxi phonomono combobulator thingymajiggy has gone kaplooey."

"Kaplooey?" Colonel O'Neill asked.

"Kaplooey, sir," Major Carter agreed, "kinda like Kawoosh! except... not."

Daniel frowned, pouted, and crossed his arms. Teal'c glanced at him. Was he confused? Angry? Happy? Irritated? Who knew? These humans were so difficult to read, he thought.

"There!" Jojo Michelle exclaimed triumphantly.

"Oh, great, you fixed it," Sam said, grinning from ear to ear. "I just knew you would. Sir, can she be on SG-1 with us?"

"Sure! Sir?" the Colonel said, turning to his own CO.

Hammond nodded. "Great idea! But only, you know, temporarily, while we wait for her to couple up the whole of the SGC. Then her work here will be done."

Jojo Michelle smiled.

Beautifully.

Actually, Jack's mind had glazed over way back at the word "basically" - fortunately saving his brain from having to contemplate "sub-parli" or worse yet, "micro-busters." Unable to multitask himself, he instead went back to thinking about Carter. Sure Jojo Michelle was incredibly fantastic, but his heart belonged to his 2IC who was exactly two pay grades below him. If only he could figure out a way around the whole "regulations" thing. He had never been one for regulations, but felt compelled to try and think of an incredibly ridiculous way around this particular one instead of just breaking it.

Getting a letter from the President had always been high on his list, but he had been kicked out of the Oval Office the last time. That was probably out for now.

Maybe they could...no. That would involve too many sheep.

Vaguely in the distance he heard something about Jojo Michelle being on SG-1. Good, thought the tiny, itty-bitty, pea-sized part of his brain that wasn't used for Carter. The same part that was used for breathing. And apparently this small part was so pleased that it asked Hammond for approval.

But back to Carter.

Maybe it would work to...YES!!

Jack grabbed Daniel by the collar and started dragging him out of the room. He nodded to Teal'c to join them because he always hated it when T got left out.

Pushing Daniel into his lab (although he never knew why it was called a lab when there was just a bunch of books and artifacts in it - more of an office really - well, maybe an office/lab), he immediately picked up the most fragile object in the room to see how bouncy it was.

"Daniel, I need to know if there are any planets out there that have any strange kinds of rituals. Uh, wedding-type rituals. Maybe something where the team would be in danger if, say...oh I don't know, Carter and I didn't get married right on the spot. Bonus points, and a gigantic cup of your favorite mountain-blend java roast coffee, for any tribe that requires consummation."

*

".... and that's why, I think we should go to P3W SEX tomorrow," Daniel finished. He cleared his throat and glanced up at Jack, who was nodding appreciatively. Daniel could bullshit with the best of them.

"Let me get this straight," Hammond said, "you want to go to this planet because... otherwise you'll stamp your feet and be Pouty!Daniel for the rest of your life?"

Daniel cleared his throat. "Yeah. That's pretty much it."

Hammond blinked. "Well that's a very persuasive argument there, son. You have a mission, SG-1."

Jojo Michelle grinned and picked up everyone's coffee cups and drinking glasses - she wanted to be helpful and put them away. "Sounds like fun, Daniel. Why don't you ask Dr Fraiser to come?"

"Ah, Major Van'Eng-Bosslish, things don't quite work like that around here..."

Jojo Michelle's smile broadened and she flicked her golden locks over her shoulders and blinked her long, long, long, sweeping eyelashes. "Oh?"

"Um... that is... yeah. Okay. Dr Fraiser can go."

Daniel silently yessed! and punched the air, while Jack grinned lasciviously at Sam.

"Just what's so great about this planet," Sam whispered to Jojo Michelle as they left the briefing room for their girlie bonding lunch with Janet.

"Oh... it's a surprise. Wear nice underwear," Jojo Michelle suggested.

"'K," Sam said, trusting her brand spanking new best friend implicitly.

*

The three women sat around a small table in the mess hall. Sam really needed to ask what Jojo Michelle had meant about the underwear thing earlier. She always wore clean underwear, but Jojo Michelle had used the word 'nice.' Strange. What could she have possibly meant by that?

"So Jojo Michelle, I really need to ask you..." But before she could get any further, out of the corner of her eye she spotted her CO and Daniel enter the room, both with massive grins. The Colonel slapped Daniel on the back then disappeared into the kitchen.

Unfortunately, the distraction caused Jojo Michelle and Janet to move on to a different topic without her. One about Cassie. Sam internally sighed and smiled. She loved that topic and eagerly joined in.

At another lull in the conversation, Sam tried again. "Jojo Michelle, about earlier..."

Sam stopped again, this time distracted by the Colonel who, strangely enough, reappeared from the kitchen carrying a large bucket. She couldn't see what was inside as he passed by, but it smelled like...like coffee. Really, really good coffee. She turned and watched him plunk it down in front of Daniel who was sitting at a back table. Daniel's expression turned into one of pure bliss as the Colonel handed him a straw.

By the time Sam had turned around again, Jojo Michelle and Janet were already standing up, ready to go back to doing whatever it was that they did. Another opportunity to ask was gone.

Sam tuned out the loud sucking sound coming from the back table as she furrowed her brow. Dammit! What in the world could her underwear possibly have to do with a mission?!

*

Sam rummaged through her underwear drawer in her quarters on base. She liked her quarters - they were really spacious with a nice bed, a good sized desk, a TV and DVD player and really keen hi-fi system.

Plus, she could keep a lot of clothes there.

Weirdly enough, only SG-1 had their own quarters on base. Probably because everyone knew that SG-1 worked the hardest and Sam and Daniel all but lived in the mountain. It was like the fact that SG-1 had their own locker room, as well as the men's locker room and the women's locker room. And then there was SG-1's own private rec room and library.

There was a knock on the door. "Carter? You ready to go yet?"

"Not yet, sir!"

"Not yet? Are you kidding?"

Sam paused. "Sir, if someone told you to wear nice underwear, what would you think that meant?"

There was silence on the other side of the door. "Clean?" he suggested.

She frowned. Had his voice been slightly squeaky? "Anything else?" she asked.

"Um... no cartoons?"

She rolled her eyes. Screw it. She'd just go with what she was wearing. So what if they had the Simpsons on them?

Sam quickly packed up the rest of her gear and scurried down the hall. Up ahead of her she could see Chandler and Joey deep in a conversation about meatball sandwiches. She smiled. Those guys were fun. She really did hate Ross though.

"How _you_ doin'?" Joey asked with a smile and a nod as she approached.

"Oh, hey, Joey. You guys see the Colonel go by here?"

"Yeah, he just marched past." Chandler smirked. "Could the guy _be_ any more military?"

"Don't get me started," Sam said with a roll of her eyes. "Well, see you guys in a day or two."

"Have fun off-world. Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"What would that be, Joe?" Chandler asked. "Read a book?"

Sam smirked, parting ways with the two men. All except for Ross, she was glad all those guys came to work for the SGC. One could never have too many friends.

Sam ran into the gate room. Last again. Dammit. She gave a small wave to Jojo Michelle and Janet, then quickly took her spot next to the Colonel. And frowned.

There was something...she sniffed.

It smelled like...she looked over at him. She sniffed again.

It smelled like the Colonel was wearing cologne. Oh, not that she minded. It smelled really, really, really good.

"Move out, campers," he said with a grin.

*

"You women are not married?" Alien Priest said, sounding just a tad pissed.

Sam, Janet and Jojo Michelle looked at each other, sensing trouble.

"Ah... no?" Sam said, her voice squeaking slightly.

"Blasphemy! Bad! Not good! Crappiness! EVIL!" Alien Priest shouted, leaning on his stick and looking at his nails intently. "I think I need a new manicure. What do you think? I chipped my nail this morning and it's really bugging me."

Blinking slightly at the change in tone and conversation, Janet leaned forward. "Um... are we in trouble?"

"What? Oh yeah, sorry, slipped out of my clichéd alien bad-guy routine there for a minute," Alien Priest continued, quickly standing up straight and running his hands through his black hair, his piercing blue eyes searching the souls of the women in front of him... or maybe he was mentally making a shopping list.

Whatever.

"In order to suck up to our gods, you will have to get married!" Alien Priest yelled, raising his hands in the air. Looking around, he sighed and confided in them, "You know, this works so much better when I have an audience."

"Oh. Sorry about that," Jojo Michelle said, smiling sweetly at Alien Priest. "Colonel O'Neill took them all off to watch him shoot his weapon."

"It was a very impressive weapon," Alien Priest said seriously, nodding. "I have never seen a weapon like it. It was very... long." Suddenly, he seemed to realize he was 'fraternizing' with the enemy and he cleared his throat. "SO! What are you going to do about it then? Huh? Huh? If you do not suck up to our gods something really _bad_ will happen on a scale of badness you've never... do you get the picture?"

They all nodded fervently.

Sam bit her lip. Jojo Michelle checked the ends of her hair for split ends. Janet thought about sedating everyone just for the hell of it...

"I guess we'll all have to get married then," Sam said, eventually, glancing at the other two. "I got dibs on Daniel."

"WHAT?!?"

*

Jack fingered his P90. Fingered it and clutched it. And considering using it. He flipped it over to single shot. And fingered it again.

Standing not more than five feet in front of him was Carter in all her wonderfulness...holding DANIEL'S hand! Five minutes away from wedded bliss!

Yep. He was pissed off - more pissed off than he had ever been in his entire life. And that included the time Narim was just plain being an ass.

Of all the...!

Why did she...?!

Daniel?!!

Everything went painfully wrong the second they wandered back into the village. The male members of SG-1 pretty much knew that the Alien Priest was going to tell the girls that they had to get married, and so they had gone off to give them time to adjust to the idea and come to the logical AND CORRECT pairing conclusions.

Walking back up the path to the village, Jack had spotted Carter sprinting towards them. Sweet. He had spread his arms open, ready to tell her (pre-planned, of course), "Yeah, this really sucks. But I guess we better go along with it," when she ran past him and grabbed Daniel. Didn't she know that of all the potential couples in the SGC, theirs was the most likely?! He _knew_ he should have sent her a memo.

So now they stood around Alien Priest, who decided that Daniel and Carter would be the first to be hitched in a typically strange alien wedding. One that seemed to involve a large offering of bananas.

"And we thank thee O Great and Powerful Suz," boomed the priest, raising his arms, "for giving us thy Text." A gleam shown in his eye as he began to recite those familiar words he had learned back as a child. "Thou shall not write songfic, unless it's a parody..."

*

Danny (for that was his nickname) fidgeted a bit. He could feel Jack staring at him and it was making him uncomfortable. Glancing over at Sam he wondered what in the name of all things Archaeological had possessed her to demand that they get married.

After all, everyone knew Daniel+Sam=Wrong whereas Jack+Sam=Right. Not that Daniel knew why he was doing strange Math equations in his head during his wedding, but that was beside the point.

Damn. Jack's eyes were so totally burning like a burning... burning thing into the back of his neck. It was really making him uncomfortable.

Daniel supposed he could have said no.

To Sam. Who had a gun.

Okay... so he couldn't have said no. But it was very nice of him to be thinking about it, thinking about sacrificing himself for Jack's happiness. It really showed the depth of feeling he had for Jack. In a completely non-sexual way, of course.

Daniel smiled to himself.

"Daniel, this 'Suz'," Sam whispered, leaning towards him while the Priest did his thing. "Is he a god you know of?"

Racking his brain, Daniel mentally sifted alphabetically through all the possible gods they hadn't come across yet. Suz? Suz... "It kinda sounds like Zeus," was all he could come up with.

Sam rolled her eyes. "That's great, Daniel."

He cleared his throat. It wasn't fair! He was being mocked during his wedding, the most important day of his... wait a second.

"I object!!!!"

Everyone looked at him. Well, Jack didn't actually have to look at him because he was already looking at him and so stating that he was looking at him made the point redundant but, still...

" _Ahem_ ," Daniel said, uncomfortably, "I just thought I'd raise this issue now, before we got to the... the binding part. I'm... kinda already married."

Sam's mouth dropped open.

"Everyone remembers Share, right? The girl with the apostrophe in her name somewhere?" Daniel pointed out, looking around and noticing that Jack was now smiling.

"And I'm also married," Jojo Michelle said, raising her perfectly manicured hand into the air. "The only women who aren't married are Sam and Jan."

Sam and Janet looked at each other.

"Then only you two need to get married at once! For you need to provide children...." the Priest intoned in his best Clichéd Bad Religious Guy Voice Version 4.2.

"Wait! Wait! I already have a kid!" Janet exclaimed ecstatically.

"Aw, man," Sam complained, "this sucks so bad. I knew I should have pressed to adopt Cassie."

"And," Daniel continued, triumphantly, "since I'm already married, as is Jojo Michelle and... Teal'c... kinda... and Janet already has a kid... that leaves... Jack!"

"YES!!!" Jack raced up and shoved Daniel out of the way.

The Priest shrugged, not really caring who was marrying whom and picked up where he had left off. "...but no way in hell would he call her Sam in the forth and fifth seasons - if you're trying to stay in canon. For the record, the last time he specifically called her Sam was..."

"Wait." Jack stopped the man and gazed soulfully at his beloved. "Sam, why did you want to marry Daniel? I mean, you know that I care about you a lot more than I'm supposed to."

"Sir, you care about The Simpsons a lot more than you're supposed to."

"True...but still."

Sam sucked in her entire bottom lip, looked at the ground and kicked the dirt. "I know you're really in love with someone else."

The crowd gasped.

Daniel leaned over to Teal'c. "No one even thought of that option in the betting pool."

"Indeed," came Teal'c's one-worded response.

Jack stared at Sam as if she was trying to explain some naquada doohicky. "What?!"

"I overheard you. I remember it as if it was yesterday...because it was yesterday." She paused dramatically. "You said 'I love you' to Anise...right after she grabbed your yoyo."

The crowd gasped again.

Drawing on his immense Colonel-type abilities, he crafted a well-worded response. "Nuh-uh!"

"Sir, you were in the mess with her going through the food line."

Jack racked his brain. "Well, Anise was there. And she _did_ grab my yoyo from off my tray. She has a really, really weird thing for it. And then..." Realization dawned on him. "No! I said 'I love fruit.' Fruit! I love FRUIT!"

"Banana?" The Priest asked eagerly and somewhat excitedly. He held out some fruit for Jack.

"Uh, no. Thanks. Maybe later."

Sam felt joy, color, light and tasty goodness flood her soul. "So that means..."

Suddenly to the embarrassment of everyone around, hell, to the whole planet, they began to sing.

Jack grabbed her hands and clutched them to his chest. ♫"You were always there for me, the tender wind that carried me. A light in the dark shining your love into my life. You've been my inspiration, through the lies you were the truth. My world is a better place because of you."♫

Daniel wandered over to a tree, carefully removed his glasses, wiped a bit of the dirt off of said tree and began to methodically bang his head against it.

Sam's enormous blue eyes glistened, making them look just as beautiful as the tropical island waters in the Bahamas...without all the fish, as her voice majestically burst forth. ♫"You were my strength when I was weak. You were my voice when I couldn't speak. You were my eyes when I couldn't see. You saw the best there was in me. Lifted me up when I couldn't reach. You gave me faith 'coz you believed. I'm everything I am because you loved me."♫

"Sammie!"

"Jack!"

"Anthropuppy!!!"

Janet blew past the now mashed together pair, running as fast as her little legs could take her to Daniel, who had given himself one too many hits against the tree and now lay unconscious.

The Priest quivered nervously. Not because the couple in front of him still wasn't married. But because he knew the Great and Powerful Suz was going to be royally pissed at the fact that no one seemed to know what season they were in. 3? 4? 5? He flicked his eyes towards the sky, checking for thunderclouds and potential lightning bolts.

*

"I think I'm going to have to take Daniel home, sir," Janet shouted through the door of the 'Marriage Cabin' into which Sam and Jack had disappeared about two hours ago.

She pressed her ear to the door and listened hard.

"Can you hear anything, Oh Small One?" the Priest asked.

Janet jumped and spun around. "What are you doing here?" she demanded. "And what did you just call me?"

The Priest blinked at her innocently. "It is customary to check on the newly wedded couple."

"Um... I'm not sure that's a good idea," Jojo Michelle said, quickly running to stand between Janet and the Priest and batting her considerable eyelashes at him.

The Priest didn't seem to be particularly moved by Jojo Michelle's beauty and feminine wiles, which was odd because they'd never failed her before. Actually, the fact that he didn't seem interested in her was pissing her off. Vaguely. She didn't really get angry. Or really upset. Or... highly emotional at all.

She was like Mary Poppins. Practically Perfect in Every Way. Except... she was _Perfect_ in Every Way.

She was, in fact, better than Mary Poppins. Plus, she was way better at singing. And her clothes were way cooler.

"They have been in there for some time," the Priest murmured, shifting over to peer at the window, which was blocked on the inside by thick curtains.

"Do you think they have killed each other?" Teal'c queried, finally being given something to say.

"How?" Janet asked.

"By UST, of course," Jojo Michelle said omnipotently.

The Priest nodded sagely, leaning down and plucking something from the border of herbs that looked very much like sage. He sniffed it. "UST is indeed a very powerful weapon. If it is strung out for too long... accidents can happen."

"Like what?" Janet whispered.

"Ooooowwwwwww."

"Damn," she muttered, glancing back at Daniel who was lying prone on the ground, his hand against his head. The singing had really done him in, the poor boy. "Sir! I'm taking Daniel back to the SGC!"

No response.

"I will remain behind DoctorMajorJanetFraiseroftheSGC," Teal'c said, all in one breath.

"Okay. Sure." She bent down and plucked Daniel up, swinging him over her shoulder. She wobbled a bit, but was all right. She pointed at the Priest. "You leave them alone," she snapped and walked off.

"Okay, you Napoleonic Power Monger..."

"I HEARD THAT!"

*

About five minutes after Janet had started the eight-click hike back to the gate with Daniel slung over her shoulder, Teal'c really wished his finely honed Jaffa senses weren't so finely honed. Or perhaps that he could stoically jam a pointy stick in his ears. But in the long run that would not have been practical. Teal'c sighed and looked around. Apparently he was the only one who could hear them. Damn his finely honed Jaffa senses!

At least Jojo Michelle had remained behind and he found her to be one of the most pleasant Tau'ri he had ever had the pleasure and great honor of knowing. But even in her wonderful presence, he still wasn't able to ignore the sounds coming from the cabin behind him. However, he did not want to bother Jojo Michelle with small talk, no matter how great the discomfort was to him. Perhaps he should engage in conversation with the alien priest.

Teal'c slightly turned towards the man and paused. He didn't know the man's name. How could he possibly address someone if he didn't have a name to say jammed quickly together?

He smiled. In his mind.

"AlienPriestWithNoName?"

"Yes?"

"I wish to learn more about this god whom you call Suz."

The Priest seemed very pleased with the question. "Suz is magnanimous, just and wise. Suz is the goddess of fertility."

"I see. This Suz's eyes do not glow, do they?"

"Glow? No."

"May I ask what she looks like?"

"Well...do you have weasels on your planet?"

"I believe the Tau'ri have a creature known as the weasel..."

"With 42 nipples?"

Teal'c's eyebrow rose on its own. "42?"

"Yes."

"This is what she looks like?"

"Well, no one has actually ever seen Suz, but we know she would be pleased that we think of her like this."

"Most peculiar. I have never heard of such a god..."

"Excuse me," Jojo Michelle interrupted politely. "I have. Really, there isn't a culture, tradition, or deity that I haven't heard o..."

Suddenly the ground shook, rocking the three people back and forth - Jojo Michelle held out a hand to steady Teal'c until the shaking was over.

The Priest turned white as a sheet and pointed a trembling hand at the sacred Text in his hand. "Holy Kelownan Bananas!" he yelled, as was the practice on his planet when something really strange happened. "The Great and Powerful Suz has spoken!"

Teal'c's other eyebrow joined the first one. "What does she say?"

The Priest cleared his throat, giddy with the thought of reading new Text. "Thou shall not write MarySue fic. A Mary Sue is a new character who usually has the writer's own name; who the regular character(s) find themselves irresistibly drawn to, usually has an unusual feature (straight, jet black hair, 'striking' bright green eyes, etc), solves problems with complex electronic devices simply by reversing the polarity, can balance your checkbook and shows you how to make a cheap, clean-burning fuel."

Teal'c and the Priest looked at Jojo Michelle.

"But...but..." she cried knowing this couldn't happen to her - after all, she was the General's niece, "I really could help! I _could_ solve problems with complex electronic devices simply by reversing the polarity! I _could_ balance your checkbook! I _could_ show you how to make a cheap, clean-burning fuel."

The Priest shrugged. They had plenty of fuel. Whenever they needed more heat they just threw on another cat.

"Oh crap." They were the last words she ever spoke. Jojo Michelle dissolved in a puff of smoke. Really, any other way would have been messy and so un-Jojo Michelle-like.

*

"Teal'c! Buddy!"

Oh boy, as Major Carter would say, Teal'c thought. Slowly, he turned around and looked at O'Neill. "I have sad news for you, O'Neill."

Jack grinned at him. Stretched. Grinned some more. Then, just for the hell of it, did a couple of cartwheels and jogged up and down on the spot. He appeared to be glowing. In the non... Oma sense. "I'm feeling freaking fantastic, T-buddy."

T-buddy? Teal'c thought.

Shit'ac (the Jaffa equivalent of 'shit'). He hated it when O'Neill had sex. The man would be intolerable for _weeks_.

From behind O'Neill, Major Carter emerged, also grinning. She, too, was glowing quite a lot.

In fact, Teal'c had a feeling that if it suddenly got dark, the two of them could probably light up the entire village with their post-coital glow.

Teal'c wanted to puke.

"I. Have. Sad. News," he said slowly and patiently.

It seemed he was always saying things 'slowly and patiently' for these people. Man, being superior and supremely cool was getting really old.

O'Neill and Carter were leaning on each other now, saying nauseously goofy things to one another.

He saw Carter lean over and pat O'Neill's ass.

Ugh.

"O'NEILL!" he boomed.

Teal'c liked to 'boom'.

Jack jumped. "Woah, Tealc, buddy, something up?"

Major Carter giggled. Childishly. Teal'c narrowed his eyes at her and frowned disapprovingly. He did not like it when she giggled and he used to think O'Neill didn't either - in fact, he'd heard him say time and time again 'no giggling'.

Apparently that was no longer true, he noted as Colonel O'Neill grinned at her and all but giggled with her.

He _really_ wanted to puke.

"Jojo Michelle is dead, O'Neill!" he announced finally, figuring he'd better cut to the chase. He didn't want to spend all of his screen time having an inane conversation with someone purely because of his excellent comedic timing and deadpan attitude.

"Really?" Major Carter's extremely unnatural blue eyes widened. They looked especially blue today because of her post-coital glowing thing. "How?"

"This Suz... smited her."

"Don't you mean 'smote'?" Jack asked.

"I see from my spell-check, I do," Teal'c murmured, tiredly.

"But... but.... did you know she was the General's niece?" Jack cried.

"I did not, O'Neill. I don't believe we'd discussed that with General Hammond before."

"No. He probably forgot. He has a really bad memory. You know he gets his grandkids mixed up? He thinks they're all girls when, actually, one isn't."

"No?" Carter asked. "Really? One of them's a boy?"

Jack shook his head. "No. So, anyway, Jojo Michelle's dead. Where's her body? We ought to take her back so we can send her through a wormhole backwards or get her caught in the kawoosh like the Tok'ra do."

Teal'c cleared his throat. "Unfortunately... she dissolved into a puff of smoke."

"Dissolved? Don't you mean 'disappeared'?" Sam asked, pedantically.

Teal'c scowled at her. Okay, he didn't really scowl, exactly. He just looked slightly more stoic than usual. "No. I meant 'dissolved'. She dissolved. Neatly," he added.

"Oh. Okay."

Sam sniffed. "That's so sad."

Jack looked at her. "Do you want a hug?"

She nodded and buried herself into his arms, reveling in the strength and security she felt in his muscular arms.

Teal'c sighed. He wished someone would offer to give him a hug.

*

Janet stood on the ramp in the gate room very confused as the medical team rushed towards her. Usually, she was the one doing the rushing. Oh hey, apparently she had Daniel over her shoulder. But she had no idea why. She heaved Daniel onto a gurney as the General walked up to them.

"Doctor. Doctor."

Daniel nodded weakly to the General.

"Where's the rest of SG-1?"

Daniel and Janet looked at each other. "Uh, we have no idea?" Daniel suggested.

"How's that possible?" the General demanded in his own unique brand of General-type demanding.

"Well," Daniel began, taking a breath as he ran a hand through his blond hair in his horizontal position, "before we went through the gate I happened to jot down some ancient writings etched on that planet's gate."

"And?"

"Well, I really don't need to do any translations considering I know...how many languages is it again? Anyway, I'll just _say_ that I need to do more translations just to be sure..."

"The point?"

"It's a memory eraser that only activates when you gate specifically from that planet to our planet."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Just between our two planets - nowhere else?"

"Apparently."

"Why would the Ancients do something like that?"

"Because they're dicks?" Daniel offered. Really, the Ancients were completely useless and he had a sneaking suspicion that they were actually a bunch of drunk SOB's. His theory was that Atlantis was nothing more than a sports bar where they hung out and placed bets on lower beings. They were _not_ , however, in any way shippers. He really hoped to God he would never become one of them.

The General nodded. The Ancients were dicks. "So you wrote down the words while you were being carried by Dr. Fraiser."

"Yes."

"And you remember this even though you aren't supposed to remember anything."

"Yes."

"Okay." Really, it was just as plausible as about anything else that happened around there. His mind instantly went to the time most of SG-1 swapped bodies. Boy, things would have been _so_ much more interesting if Major Carter had gotten in on that...

Daniel and Janet glanced at each other as the General stared off into space. Daniel fidgeted wondering if he should say something. Janet looked at her watch.

*

Teal'c did his best to ignore the two people behind him as he hiked towards the gate. The first five clicks back, AlienPriestWithNoName had followed them, attempting to get O'Neill to consume a banana. Extremely odd. The man had finally given up so now it was just the three of them. He glanced back.

Teal'c's grip around his staff weapon automatically tightened. O'Neill and MajorCarter were walking with their hands in each other's back pockets. Truly it would be self-defense now. No Tauri jury would convict him.

He walked up to the DHD and began punching the address. Who cared if it wasn't his job? Screw it. He beat at the DHD as giggling, cooing and smacking sounds came from behind him.

The wormhole engaged and he turned, having quickly sent the 'Code Red' IDC, and waited for his teammates to go through since it was his turn to be last.

"After you," Sam giggled at Jack, using a finger to play with his lips.

"No, after you," he said, playfully nipping back.

"No, you."

"You."

"You."

"You."

Nope, not a jury in the world.

"Sam?" Jack asked as he suddenly became serious and gazed into her deepest of deep blue eyes.

"Yes, Jack?"

He paused, staring soulfully at his new bride, his eyes glistening.

She reassuringly patted his ass.

"Can I carry you over the event horizon?"

Sam sniffed as she jumped into his arms. "I've been waiting for years to hear you say that," she said, nuzzling against his chest.

Jack carried her up to the gate. Just before stepping through, he gazed at her and began to sing, ♫"You're here, there's nothing I fear, and I know that my heart will go on..."♫

*

There was a lot of blinking when Sam, Jack and Teal'c came through the wormhole.

A whole lot of blinking.

There was General Hammond, blinking. Janet... also blinking. Daniel was blinking too but, him being Daniel, that was because he was trying to get an eyelash out of his eye.

The SFs were blinking. In unison, which was kinda scary. They looked a little like startled rabbits.

Jack stopped singing. And blinked.

"Carter?"

"Yeah?" she whispered.

"Was I just singing..." He swallowed manfully, "a song by _that woman_?"

Sam nodded, fiercely biting her rosy bottom lip. "I think... I think that might be possible, sir."

"And... and... you're definitely... in my arms."

She wiggled her feet, just for show and looked down at the ramp. He was pretty tall. She'd always liked that about him. "Uh huh, sir."

"Do you have... any idea why that would be?"

Sam blinked at him.

There was quite a bit of a breeze getting up, you know, due to all the blinking.

Teal'c tapped Colonel O'Neill on the shoulder, for some reason feeling he needed to punish the Colonel. Teal'c was feeling fairly irritated with both of them, actually, but he had no idea why. And he really didn't expect to find out. "O'Neill, you appear to have what I believe to be a _hickey_ on your neck."

Shit.

"Colonel O'Neill, what the [insert stereotypical Texan curse word] is going on here!!!"

Jack and Sam swallowed. And their swallows were so loud everyone in the room heard and swallowed in response. Kinda like when people throw up one after the other. Except this was sympathy swallowing.

The SGC liked to do things to support one another.

"Er.... would you believe... I can't remember?"

Hammond narrowed his eyes. There was only so many times that excuse was going to work.

Fortunately, he thought, brightening considerably and reaching up to rub his shiny bald head, this was one of those times.

"Okey-dokey!" he exclaimed, beaming at everyone. "The lot of you go to the infirmary. Um... that other doctor who isn't Doctor Fraiser will check you out. You know... that guy. Warren? Warrant?"

"I don't think it's really important, sir," Doctor Fraiser said, smiling smugly. After all, she was the only doctor of importance in this facility.

Like SG-1 were the only team of importance.

They had so much in common, she thought, grabbing Daniel by the hand and dragging him off to the infirmary.

"Sir? I think you can put me down now."

Jack thought about it for a moment. "I don't think so, Major."

"Uh, why?"

He walked down the ramp and out of the gate room. "The way I figure... I had to be carrying you for a reason."

"Yeah...."

He smiled down at her. Tenderly. "Maybe one of those reasons is that you hurt your ankle."

She blinked. And her long, long eyelashes created a little breeze of their own.

She didn't think her ankle was hurting but she really didn't want to take any chances. Why else would her sexy CO be carrying her through the wormhole?

Sighing, she leaned against his nice, secure, solid, friendly, happy broad shoulder and smiled. He was so noble! So helpful. So.... strong, particularly considering she was thirty *cough*something*cough* and not exactly petite. "Thanks, sir."

"Anything for the team, Major. Anything for the team."


End file.
